The Hard Stuff First...

I'm Back! First off, sorry it's been so long! Much has happened in the last 2 years. But where do I start? How about the hard stuff? Sorry... I'm hoping this will help someone in their journey one day. June 6, 2012 Well, On May 24, the day after my 28th Birthday, I got the most amazing gift ever. Finally, a positive pregnancy test! I took the test before work at about 5:30 a.m.. Of course all I could do was cry when I was trying to tell Stephen. My dream, of being a mommy, was finally under construction! :) We didn't waste any time, by 6:00 A.M. we had called Stephen's mom, my sister, and Jenae & Phillip. We were over the moon excited. About 2 weeks later, On June 5th, 2012, I started to feel a very uncomfortable pain in my stomach, left side, and left leg. I went on with things like normal, went to church, made a casserole, and hung out with Stephen. I woke up the next day after having MAYBE 2 hours of sleep total. My mind was telling me I was having a miscarriage, and my heart was breaking. I just wanted to crawl in to bed, and never wake up. I had Stephen take me to work, to prepare for a sub, then had him take me home so I could sleep. When I finally woke up at 2, I had about a million missed calls, and Stephen was begging me to let him take me to the ER. I was in so much pain, but knew if I had to face the truth that pain would hurt way more. We went to Stephen's work, and it took them about 2 hours to get me in. But once they found out it was Stephen, we were treated like royalty :). I was still in terrible pain, and couldn't take any pain meds, just in case. I finally got an ultrasound, and at about 8 p.m. they realized what was going on. My baby had gotten stuck in my left tube, and had been trying to grow there for the last 4 weeks. I went in to surgery, and when I got out I was told that my tube had ruptured, and I almost died. Scary. And one of the toughest things was my tube was gone. It took a very long time to move on. At first I felt anger, and confusion. I couldn't understnd why the one thing that I want so badly was given then take away so harshly. I found an amazing poem, that really helped me, and tried to dive in to God, and see what He wanted for my life. The pain I was feeling every month when the reality set in that I was yet again, not pregnant was tearing me apart. Making me angry, jealous, and broken. I would cry each month, alone. I've felt that I'll never be a mom. I've felt that I've failed Stephen, not being able to provide him with children, and most of all I've felt that God was punishing me for the poor choices I made in my early 20s. Back in April, 2013 almost a year from my miscarriage, we decided to start praying about IVF. With this, they would put my egg and Stephen's sperm together and make our baby outside of my womb, then place it there to grow. We went through all types of testing and they offered me the "Cost efficient" "Natural IVF", which was a very low dose of medicine. This process cost us $3500, plus medicine and testing which came up to nearly $6000. I wondered if this is really what God wanted us to do? Was this bypassing His hand and taking control where I shouldn't have?? I went back and forth, and we ended up deciding that this was something we did want to try. We tried our first round in August, 2013, which was not successful. 3 weeks ago we just tried one final time, and found out on New Year's Day, that it didn't work again. I write this, and wonder how I'm smiling today, and all I can say is God. I fully believe that our 2 embryos are in heaven waiting for us, and even though they were only with me for 2 weeks, they are still my babies, I am still their mama, and I can't wait to meet them when I am called home. I have heard people say that they don't understand why this happened to us, when we are "Christians". Well the best thing I can say is, that being a Christian doesn't make you exempt from the hard stuff, it just gives you a way to get through it. I have Jesus to lean on, to cry to, to yell at, and to be calmed by. I have gotten through what I have, without fail, because of my Savior. God has given me EVERYTHING I want and more, and I'll be eternally thankful! Thanks for reading.. now ready for the good stuff... I promise it won't take 2 years to get it up! :)