❤️

Designed to tear a couple apart? What? Oh you mean like... teenager hormones and experimenting with who you are? Or experimenting with drugs? Cheating? Or drinking issues? Or the loss of a pregnancy? Maybe even foster care? Infertility? Losing foster children? IVF?? An Affair? 

Yep.... we've been through it ALL... but somehow we've come out stronger. 18 years... lots of crap... but some pretty amazing stuff too! And today I love Stephen more than I have ever thought possible.... "and I thought I loved him then".

The days seem shorter and so much sweeter. I go to bed every night with a kiss, and a sigh of relief. A thankful heart for a man that loves me like never before. 3 amazing kids. And a God that has carried me through the devil's playground. 

I'm the happiest girl in the world....

"Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good..."

The Battle

I could sit here, and try to explain the pain of  infertility but it's almost something you'd never explain. 

My body hurt terribly monthly. My mind hurt terribly monthly. Going through IVF hurt emotionally, physically, and mentally all the time. I became consumed with trying to have a baby. The words from my husband, "I want a baby that is naturally ours" wouldn't leave my mind. I was failing as a wife, and my heart and our marriage was shattering As the days went by. But Stephen kept pushing on, he kept "loving" me the best way he could. Gave me the space I thought I wanted. He supported me and told me it was okay, and that whatever happened was going to be okay, and that we would make it.

This hell continued until August 23, 2016 when we found out we were expecting!! I'll never forget when we saw the positive test, we both screamed and hugged and couldn't stop smiling!!!

Fast forward, a year and a half, we have twins, Aliviah and Jackson, finalized the adoption for  the most amazing boy Ryder, and moved to Florida!!

 

June 2016

 April 2016

 December 2016

And then for more of the backlash of my infertility Journey... I didn't know why we were being moved to Florida, but Stephen did. After 5 terrible months the truth was set free, I got the answer why we had to move to Florida. Now,  That's another post, that I will post, for another day, but the good news is that we made it through, and somehow, we aRe stronger than ever. 

I wouldn't have made it through, without God. He was my husband, during the time my husband refers to as, "the darkest time of his life"....God told me I was strong enough to make it through this, and he kept bringing me up. The many, many nights I sat crying, because I didn't understand what had happened to the man I loved, God sat right there with me, I was NEVER ALONE! . God made me so much stronger than my flesh wanted to be! 

I will be writing more of this experience, because frankly, it feels good to talk about it. And maybe I will encourage another wife out there? Maybe God will use our storm, with the rainbow at the end to encourage others. 

 

One of my favorites :) we took a trip to the wine country and had a babysitter and built up our marriage  :) May 2015

Thanks for reading. Xoxo

Tammy

The Hard Stuff First...

I'm Back! First off, sorry it's been so long! Much has happened in the last 2 years. But where do I start? How about the hard stuff? Sorry... I'm hoping this will help someone in their journey one day. June 6, 2012 Well, On May 24, the day after my 28th Birthday, I got the most amazing gift ever. Finally, a positive pregnancy test! I took the test before work at about 5:30 a.m.. Of course all I could do was cry when I was trying to tell Stephen. My dream, of being a mommy, was finally under construction! :) We didn't waste any time, by 6:00 A.M. we had called Stephen's mom, my sister, and Jenae & Phillip. We were over the moon excited. About 2 weeks later, On June 5th, 2012, I started to feel a very uncomfortable pain in my stomach, left side, and left leg. I went on with things like normal, went to church, made a casserole, and hung out with Stephen. I woke up the next day after having MAYBE 2 hours of sleep total. My mind was telling me I was having a miscarriage, and my heart was breaking. I just wanted to crawl in to bed, and never wake up. I had Stephen take me to work, to prepare for a sub, then had him take me home so I could sleep. When I finally woke up at 2, I had about a million missed calls, and Stephen was begging me to let him take me to the ER. I was in so much pain, but knew if I had to face the truth that pain would hurt way more. We went to Stephen's work, and it took them about 2 hours to get me in. But once they found out it was Stephen, we were treated like royalty :). I was still in terrible pain, and couldn't take any pain meds, just in case. I finally got an ultrasound, and at about 8 p.m. they realized what was going on. My baby had gotten stuck in my left tube, and had been trying to grow there for the last 4 weeks. I went in to surgery, and when I got out I was told that my tube had ruptured, and I almost died. Scary. And one of the toughest things was my tube was gone. It took a very long time to move on. At first I felt anger, and confusion. I couldn't understnd why the one thing that I want so badly was given then take away so harshly. I found an amazing poem, that really helped me, and tried to dive in to God, and see what He wanted for my life. The pain I was feeling every month when the reality set in that I was yet again, not pregnant was tearing me apart. Making me angry, jealous, and broken. I would cry each month, alone. I've felt that I'll never be a mom. I've felt that I've failed Stephen, not being able to provide him with children, and most of all I've felt that God was punishing me for the poor choices I made in my early 20s. Back in April, 2013 almost a year from my miscarriage, we decided to start praying about IVF. With this, they would put my egg and Stephen's sperm together and make our baby outside of my womb, then place it there to grow. We went through all types of testing and they offered me the "Cost efficient" "Natural IVF", which was a very low dose of medicine. This process cost us $3500, plus medicine and testing which came up to nearly $6000. I wondered if this is really what God wanted us to do? Was this bypassing His hand and taking control where I shouldn't have?? I went back and forth, and we ended up deciding that this was something we did want to try. We tried our first round in August, 2013, which was not successful. 3 weeks ago we just tried one final time, and found out on New Year's Day, that it didn't work again. I write this, and wonder how I'm smiling today, and all I can say is God. I fully believe that our 2 embryos are in heaven waiting for us, and even though they were only with me for 2 weeks, they are still my babies, I am still their mama, and I can't wait to meet them when I am called home. I have heard people say that they don't understand why this happened to us, when we are "Christians". Well the best thing I can say is, that being a Christian doesn't make you exempt from the hard stuff, it just gives you a way to get through it. I have Jesus to lean on, to cry to, to yell at, and to be calmed by. I have gotten through what I have, without fail, because of my Savior. God has given me EVERYTHING I want and more, and I'll be eternally thankful! Thanks for reading.. now ready for the good stuff... I promise it won't take 2 years to get it up! :)

Our Cozy Home :)

Hello All!! I have been asked to put up some pictures of our house, and surprisingly after 6 months, we still have not completely unpacked and made it our home yet, but we're slowly working on it. I have some ideas that are starting to happen (Very slowly!) We have been blessed with the opportunity to rent Stephen’s Grandma’s house and we are loving it! It is a much bigger house than we need right now, so we are only using a few rooms. :) I can't wait to put up more pictues as we make it our home!

Our Room... So boring but I have sooooo many ideas! :)



looooove the fireplace


love our closet!


Down our stairs :)


Our first pictures up (The nails were already there haha)

one from now... one from 2001

hehe


now this is our kitchen.... I hope that you feel my sarcasm when i say this... i LOVE the floor!!!! hahah it's VERY hard to work with... but i'm dealing with it!

Married Life < 3

A friend told us, being married is just like playing house! Well, we are definitely having fun being newleyweds. We are finally (kinda) settled in the house we are renting, and LOVE it. We had a great first married halloween together, carving pumpkins, and having a delicious dinnner with Annie :). We took a nice little trip to Vegas to see Stephen's family. It was nice to get away and relax. Now that it's getting colder we are enjoying sittng in front of the fire and relaxing together. Married life is GREAT :). I'm just now, finally getting our wedding pictures uploaded to costco, and I'm excited to get some pictures developed and put them up in our house :).


<3 Vegas Love <3



Cuddling in front of the fire :)



My Tinkerbell pumpkin :)


Stephen's Emerson Pumpkin :)


My handsome husband!!!


It took him about 10 hours!!!


Let God's light shine :)



Husband&Wife

God is so blessing us in ways that are unbelievable! I am excited to write a post about all his blessings! Until then... we will continue to trust that He is working and do all that we can to share His word :).


Matthew 6:33

Nephew Love

This one deserved it's own post :)
I love him so much!!

July 29, 2011

Well, the big day has come and gone! It was everything I ever imagined and so much more. We had the most amazing support from our family and friends, and can't thank everyone enough for all the hard work they put in to making this day go off so perfectly! Here are some pictures that friends have sent us. I should be getting the professional ones within a few weeks :) Enjoy!!